2. Role of the Coach

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

2 Timothy 2:24-26

The Reconciler as Coach

Video 4

Key Points from Video

Those who assist others in reconciling can serve four different roles:

  • _______ biblical peacemaking.

  • _______ one party at a time.

  • _________ two or more parties together.

  • ____________ a decision after hearing both parties at the same meeting.

What is meant by “coaching?”

Preparing one person in a dispute to go to the other person in order to reconcile relationships and resolve differences in private.

When is coaching appropriate?

Two approaches:

 

  1. “Before you speak any more about this other person, may I ask if you have spoken directly to him or her first?”

  2. “Before you say anymore, let’s clarify what you intend and what we are doing. Two questions:

 

First, do you want me to listen to your concern and give you godly advice on how you can go to the other person?

 

And second, will our conversation will remain confidential?

 

If you answer yes to both questions, then I’m ready to talk with you. But If this is not your intention, let’s not talk about this anymore. We don’t want to be guilty of gossip or slander.”

The Goal of the Coach

What is NOT the goal:

 

  • Fix the person seeking advice.

  • Diagnose what’s wrong and tell the person what to do.

  • Act as an intervener and talk to the other party in conflict.

 

Instead, here is the goal of the coach:

 

Guide the person with God’s Word to embrace a Christ-centered perspective so that he may discover for himself how to:

 

  • Be reconciled to God:

    • Remember whose we are

    • Repent before God

    • Receive God’s forgiveness

 

  • Be reconciled to others:

    • To confess to the other person

    • To forgive as God forgave him/her

    • To restore with gentleness

The Importance of Passport

1. Can I trust you?

2. Do you care about me?

3. Can you really help me?

Developing passport is not an event but a continuous process. Once you have had passport and lose it, it will be more difficult to gain that person’s confidence back. Properly earned, passport will provide you with the opportunities to encourage, confront, exhort, and direct someone with biblical guidance.

 

Passport is constantly earned or used up throughout the coaching process.

 

See how trust is earned, used up, lost, or redirected:

  • Earned – Trust is earned in the way you demonstrate love, care, and respect for that person. Trust is also earned in the careful way you ask questions.

  • Properly Used Up – Trust is properly used up when you confront sin or present difficult questions.

  • Improperly Lost – Trust may be improperly lost. For example, before you have earned sufficient passport, asking the right question in the wrong way or too early may reduce, or even end, your effectiveness with that person.

  • Redirected – Ultimately, your goal is to encourage the person to place more trust in God than in anyone or anything else, including you as coach, the other person, or the eventual outcome.

Throughout the conciliation process, it is important that as the coach you develop “passport” with the person you are assisting. Passport is achieved as you build trust with the individual.

You will experience evidence of passport when the person can answer yes to three questions:

Making Yourself Approachable

Earning a party’s trust begins with your approachability.

 

List 3 to 5 things that make a person difficult to approach:

Contrast the above ideas with what makes a person easy to approach. List 3 to 5 ideas:

For a Christian conflict coach, two of the most effective ways to be viewed by others as approachable:

 

  • Be known as someone who admits your own faults, that is, one who confesses his own sins. People will:

    • Believe that you are not judgmental.

    • Not fear that you will be defensive.

    • Trust you enough to be honest about their own failings.

 

  • Be known as someone who forgives freely. People will:

    • Be less fearful of being condemned by you.

    • Be confident that you understand how to show mercy.

    • Expect to find in you safety, compassion, and hope.

 

In other words, to make yourself approachable you need to develop a reputation for living, proclaiming, and cultivating a lifestyle of reconciliation.

Leading to Discovery

Based on actual experience, what do you think are likely outcomes to two different approaches to conflict coaching?

 

Click each box for an answer from thousands of coaching experiences:

Well-intentioned conflict coaches may be tempted to diagnose what’s wrong and tell the person what to do. And they may be right in their assessment!

 

However, people often react defensively to such an approach and dismiss the advice. Most people are much more motivated to change attitudes and behaviors when they recognize their own weaknesses and failures and resolve to do something about it.

Analyze what’s wrong in the conflict, including the person’s underlying idols. Then tell him what he needs to do based on Scripture.

(click to reveal result)

Rather than simply diagnose and tell, the experienced conflict coach helps the individual discover for himself how he has contributed to the problem and what he can do biblically to begin reconciliation.

 

The coach may discern underlying heart issues.  But what is more important is that the person being coached discerns his own heart issues. The person who discovers for himself will more likely appreciate a God-pleasing perspective and be moved by God’s Spirit for changing attitudes and behaviors. Such an approach is much more effective than “diagnose and tell.”

Use Scripture and carefully worded questions to help the other person discover truths about his own heart. Then guide him with more questions on what he should do.

(click to reveal result)

The more that someone discovers God’s truth as it applies to him, the more likely he will own the truth and take responsibility for God-pleasing change.

 

So, don’t just diagnose and tell. Help him discover truth so that he owns it.

 

How does the coach guide the discovery process?

Click each picture to reveal an answer:

Journal Reflections

1. When helping someone with their problems, how often am I tempted to “diagnose and tell?”

2. When I “diagnose and tell,” in whose wisdom am I trusting to help the other person? Read Proverbs 3:5-7 before answering.

3. What can I do to resist “diagnose and tell?”

Conflict Coaching Process

Video 5

Lesson 2 Journal Reflections

Briefly describe a time when someone coached you on a difficult situation in your life and you appreciated it.

What did he or she do that was helpful?

What could the person have done that would have been more helpful?

Other Reflections:

Click a slice of the process to see more information

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