How to Be Reconciled With Someone (Even If You Didn’t Start It)

There’s a moment in nearly every broken or strained relationship when something deep inside you recognizes that things aren’t right. You can sense the distance. You feel the tension. You notice the discomfort that sits quietly beneath the surface. And yet, everything in you resists making the first move.

Perhaps you feel wronged. Misunderstood. Overlooked. Maybe you’re still waiting for the apology that never came — and in your mind, the next step is clearly someone else’s responsibility. If they started the conflict, shouldn’t they be the ones to come forward first?

But Jesus Christ steps right into that moment — into that inward tug-of-war — and speaks with a clarity that both confronts our instincts and frees our hearts. He reveals a truth that is as surprising today as it was when He first spoke it:

Reconciliation begins with you… even if you didn’t start the conflict.

This isn’t the way most of us naturally think. It pushes against our self‑protective tendencies, our carefully curated grievances, and our desire to let the other person “go first.” But Jesus is not trying to shame us. He is not adding pressure to a burdened heart. Instead, He is showing us the pathway to freedom — freedom from bitterness, freedom from fear, freedom from the stalemate that unresolved conflict creates.

This blog explores that pathway. We will walk through Jesus’ own teaching on reconciliation, not as a set of abstract principles, but as a living invitation from the Lord who loves us. His words meet us directly in the places where relationships feel messy, uncertain, or painful. And through them, Jesus offers not only guidance, but grace — grace to act, grace to forgive, and grace to pursue restored relationships even when doing so feels difficult or costly.

Why Being Be Reconciled With Someone Matters So Much to Jesus

We live in a fractured world. Relationships break over misunderstandings, harsh words, silence, distance, decisions, assumptions, and wounds that remain unaddressed. Even within the church — a community redeemed and united by Christ — conflict persists. Believers hurt one another. Miscommunication happens. Pride gets in the way. Fear stops conversations before they start.

Jesus, who knows the human heart perfectly, addresses reconciliation not as an optional virtue but as a central expression of following Him. He never treats relational peace as a secondary matter. Instead, He presents reconciliation as deeply connected to discipleship, worship, and our witness to the world.

Jesus’ teaching matters today because broken relationships drain joy, disrupt worship, distort community, and keep God’s people from the unity He desires. He doesn’t ask us to pretend conflict doesn’t exist. He doesn’t ask us to minimize wounds. He asks us to engage conflict with grace — because He knows what freedom and wholeness lie on the other side. (See: How Does David’s Experience With His Own Self-deception Compare to What We Do When We Deny Our Sin?)

Jesus’ words are not given to burden us; they are given to set us free.

1. When You Realize Someone Has Something Against You (Matthew 5:23–24)

Jesus begins His teaching on reconciliation with a scenario that most of us have experienced, even if we try not to think about it.

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift… first be reconciled to your brother.” — Matthew 5:23–24

Imagine the scene. You are engaged in worship. Your mind is focused on God. And yet, right in that sacred moment, a relationship flashes across your memory — a strained conversation, a hurtful comment, a misunderstanding, a sense that someone is carrying something against you.

Jesus says: stop everything and go.

Reconciliation comes before worship.

Why Jesus places reconciliation before worship

For Jesus’ original listeners, the altar was the center of devotion. Offering a gift required preparation, travel, sacrifice, and reverence. Yet Jesus teaches that even this holy act must pause if there is unreconciled tension between believers.

Why?

Because God desires integrity — worship expressed not only with lips and rituals but with hearts aligned with His love. Worship divorced from reconciliation is incomplete. It praises God with words while withholding from others the very grace God gives to us.

Humility is the doorway

Most striking is the direction of responsibility. Jesus does not say:

“If you have something against your brother…”

He says:

“If your brother has something against you.”

That means reconciliation does not begin with evaluating the other person’s sensitivity or assessing who contributed more to the conflict. It begins with humility — with recognizing that you may have caused hurt, even unintentionally.

Humility is not humiliation.

It is grace‑enabled honesty. (See: Expressing Godly Sorrow: Guidelines for Confession)

It says, “If I have contributed to your pain, I want to pursue peace.”

The grace behind the command

Jesus’ call might feel overwhelming. But remember this: God never commands what He does not empower.

If Jesus calls you to go, He will supply the grace to go.Grace to confess without defensiveness.

Grace to listen without self‑protection.

Grace to seek restoration without demands.

Reconciliation, in this sense, is worship.

It reflects the heart of God more clearly than any ritual we bring.

2. When Someone Has Sinned Against You (Matthew 18:15)

Jesus also speaks to another moment — one that feels more raw and vulnerable. It is the moment you have been wronged.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” — Matthew 18:15

This is not about annoyances or personality differences. Jesus is speaking about real sin — words or actions that cause genuine pain.

And notice what He does first:

He validates the hurt.

Jesus acknowledges the wrong.

He gives language to it: “your brother sinned against you.”

Reconciliation honors both truth and grace

The instruction is not to bury the pain. Nor is it to spread the story. Instead, Jesus calls for a private, gentle, honest conversation.

This is not confrontation for confrontation’s sake.This is restoration as the goal.

Jesus says that if the person listens, “you have gained your brother.” The aim isn’t to win the argument or achieve vindication. The aim is to win back the relationship.

Why avoidance is not obedience

Many believers avoid conversations about hurt because they fear conflict. But Jesus teaches that avoidance often leads to deeper harm — bitterness, distance, assumptions, and fractured fellowship. Reconciliation requires courage, and courage is not the absence of fear. It is obedience in the presence of fear.

Your responsibility is not to control the other person’s reaction.

Your responsibility is to obey Jesus and approach them in love.

Grace for the wounded heart

The fear that arises in these moments is understandable:

“What if they don’t listen?”

“What if they dismiss my pain?”

“What if I open this wound only to be hurt again?”

Jesus doesn’t promise that reconciliation will always be simple. But He does promise His presence, His peace, and His grace. The One who calls you to go will also meet you on the way.

Reconciliation is holy ground.

It mirrors the heart of the Shepherd who restores His wandering sheep.

3. Grace Is the Power Behind Reconciliation

At the core of Jesus’ teaching — whether we are the offender or the offended — is one unifying force: grace.

Grace makes reconciliation possible. (See: What Good News is Available For Those Who Confess Their Sins Before God?)

Grace makes reconciliation sustainable.

Grace transforms reconciliation from a duty into a privilege.

Human pride resists reconciliation.

Human fear avoids it.

Human frustration escalates it.

Only grace empowers it.

Grace for the one who caused hurt

Grace enables:

• admission without defensiveness,

• apologies without qualification,

• listening without self‑justification.

  
  

Grace opens the heart to take initiative instead of waiting for the other person to act.

Grace for the one who was hurt

Grace enables:

• forgiveness without minimizing pain,

• honesty without harshness,

• courage without cruelty.

  
  

Grace makes room for healing where self‑protection cannot.

Grace for the relationship itself

Reconciliation often unfolds in gradual steps:

• a softened heart,

• a clarifying conversation,

• a moment of understanding,

• a willingness to repair what was broken.

  
  

Grace does not rush.

Grace does not coerce.

Grace patiently restores.

When reconciliation is pursued through grace, the relationship is not just patched — it is transformed. What was once fragile becomes a testimony of God’s redemptive power.

4. Reconciliation Is a Two-Way Street

One of the most remarkable insights from Jesus’ teaching emerges when we place Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 side by side.

• If you caused the hurt, Jesus says: go.

• If you were hurt, Jesus says: go.

In both scenarios, Jesus calls you to take the first step. (See: Who is Responsible for Taking the First Step?)

This is not a burden.

It is a breakthrough.

In Jesus’ kingdom, reconciliation is not determined by who started it, but by who belongs to Him.

Reconciliation is not someone else’s assignment. It is the call of every disciple.

Why both sides must move

This dual call dismantles excuses:

• “I wasn’t the one who started it.”

• “I’m the bigger victim.”

• “They’re the one who needs to apologize.”

• “It’s their issue, not mine.”

Jesus doesn’t grant us those escape routes.

He calls both the wounded and the wounding toward one another.

Why?

Because reconciliation reflects the heart of God.

Reconciliation mirrors the gospel

Consider the gospel itself:

We were the ones who sinned against God.

We were the ones who wandered, resisted, rejected.

Yet God took the first step.

He came to us.

He pursued us.

He reconciled us to Himself at the cost of His own Son.

When we take the first step in reconciliation — whether we caused the hurt or received it — we are not merely obeying Jesus. We are imitating Him.

We become living expressions of the gospel we proclaim.

5. Growing Into a Life of Reconciliation

As believers begin to walk in Jesus’ teaching, a shift often happens. Hearts softened by grace begin to notice the relational struggles others carry — quiet hurts, unspoken tensions, ruptured connections, broken fellowship.

Reconciliation stops being merely something we receive and gradually becomes something we embody.

Paul captures this beautifully in Galatians 6:1:

“If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”

Restoration is not forceful.

It is gentle.

It mirrors the patience and kindness of Christ.

Growing in reconciliation means:

• learning to see relational wounds in others with compassion,

• walking with them wisely,

• encouraging them as they take steps toward healing,

• and embodying the gentleness that flows from Christ’s own heart.

Reconciliation becomes a ministry — one God entrusts to every believer He has restored.

Conclusion: Walking the Path Jesus Sets Before Us

Reconciliation is not easy. It is not natural. It often feels costly. But it is also one of the clearest, most tangible expressions of the gospel in our daily lives.

Jesus invites us — whether we caused the hurt or received it — to move toward one another in grace, humility, and courage. He calls us to take the first step, not because we are strong, but because He is. Not because we have perfect words, but because He gives grace as we go. Not because the outcome is guaranteed, but because obedience is good and healing is possible.

In Jesus’ kingdom, reconciliation is not about who started it.It is about whose heart is being shaped by Him.

May His grace guide your steps.

May His Spirit strengthen your courage.

And may His love restore what sin has broken, in His time and in His way.