How to Respond When Someone Hurts You
- Dwight Schettler
- 4 minutes ago
- 8 min read
Conflict is rarely confusing. Most of us know what Scripture calls us to do. The deeper struggle is doing what’s right when someone hurts you. When you’re dismissed, misunderstood, talked over, or accused unfairly, something inside you reacts instinctively. You replay the moment. You justify your response. You build your internal case. Slowly, the person in front of you shrinks in your mind—no longer a full image‑bearer of God but a moment that wounded you. Conflict shrinks your vision. (See: I May Be My Brother's Keeper, Especially in Conflict)
But Scripture widens it.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son…” — John 3:16
Scripture offers a far better way. God invites you to see the person in front of you through a gospel lens, not a wounded one. This does not excuse sin, remove boundaries, or call you to endure mistreatment. The Bible never commands passivity. It calls you to discipleship—Christ‑shaped thinking and Christ‑shaped responses.
John 3:16 reminds us God so loved the world. That includes the person who hurt you—believer or unbeliever, gracious or difficult. This truth doesn’t erase pain, but it reframes how you see the person. Instead of reacting from hurt, you respond from truth. Instead of letting pain define the moment, you let the gospel define the person.
Think about a recent conflict: a tense meeting, a painful disagreement, a coworker’s dismissive gesture. In those moments, love is not your reflex. Self‑protection is. But Scripture calls you into a posture that sees more than the moment that hurt you. This journey begins by letting Christ widen your vision and soften your posture.
Seeing People Through a Gospel Lens
When conflict strikes, your emotions shout the loudest: Pull back. Assume the worst. Retaliate. But Scripture invites you to look again. God calls you to view the person in front of you—not through the lens of self‑protection, but through the lens of His redeeming love.
God Loves Before We Behave
Christ didn’t wait for humanity to clean up before moving toward us. He loved first. He acted first. He moved toward sinners before they ever understood Him.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:8
That means the person who hurt you is not defined by their tone or their offense. They are someone God declared valuable long before they crossed your path.
Their Worth Comes From God, Not From You
The person who hurt you has real worth before God—not because they are kind or reasonable, but because they were created in His image and included in the world He loved enough to redeem.
“So God created man in his own image…” — Genesis 1:27
When you forget this, conflict collapses a human being into a single painful moment. When you remember it, your vision expands again. You begin seeing them as Christ sees them.
How Love Reshapes Your Response
Seeing someone through Christ’s love doesn’t remove conflict—but it transforms the emotional environment:
Love slows your reactions. It creates space for the Spirit to interrupt your instinct.
Love asks questions before assuming motives. “Help me understand what you meant…” builds clarity; “I know exactly what you were doing…” builds walls.
Love recognizes unseen wounds. You react to a moment; they may be reacting to years of hurt.
Love holds truth and dignity together. You can confront sin without stripping someone of their worth.
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” — James 1:19
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly…” — 1 Peter 4:8
This is not naïve optimism. It is Christlike realism.
Understanding What Forgiveness Truly Is
Forgiveness is hard because it forces you to face your wound honestly. But Scripture insists on something that cuts against instinct:
Forgiveness does not begin with the other person. Forgiveness begins with God.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:32
Christ calls you to forgive not because the other person deserves it, but because you have been forgiven.
What Forgiveness Does NOT Mean
You need clarity here. Forgiveness is not:
Pretending it didn’t hurt
Removing boundaries
Reconciling prematurely
Calling evil “okay”
Trusting someone who is not trustworthy
“The prudent sees danger and hides himself…” — Proverbs 22:3
Forgiveness is not denial, nor is it abandoning wisdom. You can forgive someone and still maintain distance. You can forgive while insisting on accountability. (See: How Does Forgiveness Relate to the Rebuilding of Trust?) You can forgive while acknowledging the wound.
What Forgiveness DOES Mean
Forgiveness means:
Releasing the right to retaliate
Refusing bitterness as an identity
Handing the inner courtroom back to Christ
Treating the person as someone Christ loves
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves… ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” — Romans 12:19
“Let all bitterness and wrath… be put away from you.” — Ephesians 4:31
Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a surrender—placing the wound in God’s hands instead of carrying it yourself. (See: Understanding Godly Sorrow and Worldly Grief)
A Practical Path Into Forgiveness
Scripture gives a clear, livable pattern:
1. Name the wound before God.
You cannot forgive what you refuse to acknowledge. Bring your pain honestly before Him.
“Pour out your heart before him.” — Psalm 62:8
2. Ask God for supernatural strength.
Forgiveness requires divine power. On your own, it feels impossible—but the Spirit enables what the flesh resists.
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” — Philippians 4:13
3. Release the inner courtroom.
Every hurt builds a courtroom in your mind. (See: Justifying Ourselves Rather than Confessing Our Sin) Forgiveness is stepping off the bench and letting Christ judge justly.
“Shall not the Judge of all the earth do what is just?” — Genesis 18:25
4. Keep boundaries in place.
Forgiveness protects your heart; boundaries protect forgiveness. Wise boundaries and forgiveness are not enemies—they are partners.
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” — Proverbs 4:23
Forgiveness depends not on the other person’s character, remorse, or change—but on your trust in Christ.
When Conviction Comes, God Offers Forgiveness
By now you might sense conviction—not about what others have done to you, but about how you’ve responded to them. Maybe conflict has revealed impatience, pride, defensiveness, or bitterness. (See: Finding Comfort in the Midst of Anger and Fault)
If so, hear this:
Conviction is not God’s rejection. Conviction is God’s invitation. (See: Understanding Denial and Self-Justification Through Scripture)
He exposes sin only to heal, free, and restore you.
God’s Word Proclaims Full Forgiveness
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us…” — 1 John 1:9
“As far as the east is from the west…” — Psalm 103:12
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” — Romans 8:1
Christ bore even your conflict‑related sins—sharp reactions, assumptions, resentment. God’s mercy is not reluctant; it is joyful. He delights to cast your sins into the depths of the sea.
Let the Gospel Re‑establish Your Identity
If you are in Christ:
You are forgiven.
You are cleansed.
You are not defined by your worst moment. (See: In Christ I Am A Beloved Child of God, Precious in His Eyes)
You are empowered to walk differently.
You belong to God—and He is forming you.
You don’t forgive because you are strong.
You forgive because you are forgiven.
“You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.” — 1 Corinthians 6:19–20
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17
Seeing Every Person Through Christ’s Worth
Once you remember how deeply God has forgiven you, your vision naturally changes. You begin seeing the other person—not through the lens of their failure, but through the lens of Christ’s sacrifice.
“Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us?” — Malachi 2:10
“He… gave himself as a ransom for all.” — 1 Timothy 2:6
Every person you’re in conflict with is someone God created, someone God loves, and someone for whom Christ died.
This truth reshapes your posture in three ways:
1. It levels your pride.
You are not morally superior—you are forgiven.
“What do you have that you did not receive?” — 1 Corinthians 4:7
2. It cultivates patience.
God was patient with you long before you believed—He calls you to extend the same patience.
“The Lord is patient toward you…” — 2 Peter 3:9
3. It reframes the relationship.
You stop seeing a threat and start seeing a person who matters eternally.
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” — Philippians 2:4
Living Out This Vision Practically
Pause before reacting.
Assume your understanding is incomplete.
Speak with dignity.
Remember their worth is anchored in Christ’s death, not their behavior.
“A soft answer turns away wrath…” — Proverbs 15:1
“Let your speech always be gracious…” — Colossians 4:6
This posture doesn’t eliminate the need for boundaries—but it ensures conversations happen within Christ’s love, not your defensiveness.
Humility: The Posture That Protects Peace
Humility is not weakness; it is Christlikeness. It widens the space for understanding and makes room for the Spirit to work.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition… but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” — Philippians 2:3
Humility is one of the most powerful forces in conflict resolution.
Humility Reflects and Reveals Christ
With believers, humility reflects Christ.
With unbelievers, humility reveals Christ.
Four Humble Practices
Choose curiosity over assumption.
Reflect what you hear.
Own your part honestly.
Move toward small next steps.
Humility doesn’t guarantee the other person will change—but it guarantees you will remain aligned with Christ.
“Clothe yourselves… with humility.” — 1 Peter 5:5
When Nothing Changes—Your Obedience Still Matters
Perhaps nothing improves externally: the tension remains, the misunderstanding persists, the relationship stays strained.
Not because the conflict changed — but because you did.
“And let us not grow weary of doing good…” — Galatians 6:9
God often transforms your vision before He transforms the situation. Your obedience is never wasted. It is part of your witness. It displays strength without aggression, truth without harshness, and love without condition.
Even if the situation doesn’t shift, God is still shaping Christ in you—and that is holy work.
Living This Out Today
Here is a simple framework to carry into your next conversation:
See the person through Christ’s love.
Forgive as one forgiven.
Respond with humility and dignity.
Entrust outcomes to God.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart…” — Proverbs 3:5
Pray:“Father, help me see this person as You see them. Help me forgive as You have forgiven me. Guard me from bitterness. Give me humility, courage, and Christlike love. Amen.”
A Final Reminder
The conflict may remain the same. The person may not change. But God has changed you. He has widened your vision, softened your heart, and strengthened your witness.
Christ died for the world. For all. For them. For you.
“For the love of Christ controls us… one has died for all.” — 2 Corinthians 5:14
Carry this into your relationships:Christ is with you.His Spirit empowers you.His forgiveness covers you.His love flows through you.
And remember:
The way you see the person in front of you may be the clearest picture of Jesus they see today.