Tough to Love: The Gospel Path to Reconciliation

In every ministry, there are people who are difficult to love. They may be combative, critical, withdrawn, or simply resistant to the work of the Spirit. These individuals can test our patience, challenge our convictions, and stretch our capacity for grace. Yet, they are not outside the reach of God’s redemptive purposes—or our responsibility to love them.

Jesus’ command to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44) is not a suggestion for the spiritually elite. It is a call to every believer, especially those entrusted with shepherding others. Ministry is not merely about leading the willing; it is about loving the resistant. And the gospel gives us the tools to do so—not through human effort, but through the Spirit’s work of reconciliation.

This post explores how the gospel equips us to serve those who are “tough to love” through confession, forgiveness, and the powerful reminder of our identity in Christ. At the heart of this approach is the conviction that reconciliation is not only possible—it is essential and born out of mutual confession and forgiveness.

Understanding the 'Tough to Love'

The phrase “tough to love” is not a label to be weaponized, but a recognition of the real challenges that arise in ministry. When we label them, it’s easier to set them apart and justify treating them differently. At Ambassadors of Reconciliation, we prefer not to use labels but simply acknowledge there are sinful people doing sinful things. When we consider sinful people, then all of a sudden, we have the opportunity to (a) understand they’re not so different from us and (b) apply scripture to the situation. These individuals may be antagonistic, emotionally distant, manipulative, or simply hard to engage. They may resist correction, sow division, or carry deep wounds that manifest in destructive ways, all of which are addressed in Scripture.

But behind every difficult person is a story—and more importantly, a soul. Scripture reminds us that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:12). The true battle is spiritual, and the enemy delights in using relational conflict to fracture the body of Christ.

Often, the root of difficult behavior is spiritual forgetfulness, or blindness. As 2 Peter 1:9 says, “For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.”

The Gospel Framework in Action

Let us now look more closely at how the gospel provides a practical framework for engaging with those who are hard to love. This framework is not a formula, but a Spirit-empowered process rooted in three essential practices: confession, forgiveness, and gospel proclamation.

Confession: Owning Our Part

The first step in reconciliation is often the hardest; acknowledging our own sin. Even when the other person is clearly in the wrong, we must ask the Spirit to search our hearts. Have we responded in pride? Have we harbored bitterness? Have we spoken harshly or withdrawn in our own resentment? I've heard it said that if one is only 2% responsible for the conflict, we should confess 100% of our 2%!

Scripture calls us to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16) and to walk in the light (1 John 1:7–9). Confession is not weakness; it is strength. It disarms defensiveness and opens the door to healing. When leaders model confession, they create a culture where grace can flourish.

Forgiveness: Releasing the Debt

Forgiveness is the heart of the gospel. We forgive because we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). But forgiveness is not easy. It requires us to release the right to hold a grudge, to let go of the debt someone owes us, and to entrust justice to God.

Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21–35) reminds us of the absurdity of withholding forgiveness when we have been forgiven an infinite debt. Forgiveness does not mean ignoring sin or pretending it didn’t hurt. It means choosing not to let that sin define the relationship.

Proclaiming Christ’s Forgiveness: Restoring Identity

Finally, we must remind others of the forgiveness they have in Christ. This is especially important for those who are stuck in shame, guilt, or self-righteousness. As 2 Peter 1:9 teaches, forgetting our cleansing leads to spiritual blindness. But remembering our forgiveness restores our sight.

This is not merely a theological exercise—it is a Christian necessity. When someone is acting out of fear or pride, they need to hear again the good news: “You are forgiven. You are loved. You are not defined by your worst moment. Christ has paid your debt.”

The Fruit of Reconciliation

When we walk this gospel path with those who are tough to love, we often see surprising fruit. Relationships that once seemed irreparable begin to heal. Teams that were fractured begin to function with unity. Individuals who were once antagonistic become advocates for peace.

Moreover, the process of pursuing reconciliation changes us. It deepens our dependence on Christ, refines our character, and reminds us of our own need for grace. It teaches us to love not just the lovable, but the broken, the bitter, and the belligerent.

The Role of Prayer in Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not merely a relational endeavor—it is a spiritual battle. Prayer is the means by which we invite God into the process, acknowledging that true heart change comes from Him alone. When dealing with someone who is tough to love, prayer softens our own heart, aligns our perspective with God's, and opens the door for divine intervention. Jesus modeled this by praying for those who persecuted Him, and we are called to do the same. Prayer also guards us against bitterness and self-righteousness, reminding us that we too are recipients of undeserved grace. In moments of tension, a whispered prayer for wisdom, patience, and compassion can redirect the course of a conversation. Persistent prayer over time can break down walls that words alone cannot. It is not a last resort—it is our first and most powerful tool in the ministry of reconciliation.

When to Set Boundaries with the Tough to Love

While the gospel calls us to pursue reconciliation, it does not call us to endure abuse or enable destructive behavior. There are times when setting boundaries is not only wise—it is necessary. Boundaries protect the dignity of both parties and create space for healing. Jesus Himself withdrew from hostile crowds and confronted toxic behavior with truth. Paul instructed believers to 'warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them' (Titus 3:10). This is not a call to abandon love, but to express it in a way that honors truth and safety. Boundaries should be set prayerfully, communicated clearly, and maintained consistently. They are not walls to keep people out forever, but gates that invite repentance and restoration. In ministry, knowing when to set boundaries requires discernment, accountability, and a deep trust in God's timing and sovereignty. However, with boundaries set, one should always be praying that God work in all hearts involved and enable movement toward reconciliation.

Reconciliation as a Witness to the World

In a culture increasingly marked by division, outrage, and unforgiveness, the church has a unique opportunity to shine. Jesus prayed that His followers would be one, “so that the world may believe that you have sent me” (John 17:21). Our unity is not just for our benefit—it is a testimony to the truth of the gospel.

This witness is especially powerful when it involves those who are “tough to love.” When a church embraces the difficult, forgives the offensive, and restores the broken, it displays the heart of God. It shows that the gospel is not just a message we preach—it is a reality we live.

The Long Road of Love

Loving those who are difficult is one of the most Christlike things we can do. Jesus loved His disciples through their betrayals, denials, and doubts. He washed the feet of Judas. He restored Peter after his failure. He wept over Jerusalem, even as it rejected Him.

When we love the “tough to love,” we are not just doing good ministry—we are becoming more like Christ. We are learning to love with His love, to forgive with His forgiveness, and to serve with His humility. This is the long road of love. It is narrow, costly, and often lonely. But it is the road our Savior walked, and it is the road He calls us to follow. It is a cross we carry.

Reconciliation and the Character of God

At its core, reconciliation is not merely a relational strategy—it is a reflection of God’s character. God is a reconciler. From the moment sin entered the world, He has been pursuing restoration. The entire biblical narrative is a story of reconciliation: God seeking out the lost, covering shame, forgiving sin, and restoring fellowship.

When we engage in reconciliation, we are not just doing ministry—we are participating in the very mission of God. We are aligning ourselves with His heart. We are becoming agents of His peace in a world of conflict.

The Ministry of Reminding

Peter understood that even mature believers need reminders. Knowledge alone is not enough. We need to be stirred up by way of reminder (2 Peter 1:12-13).

This is especially true in conflict. When emotions run high and wounds are fresh, people forget what they know. They forget the gospel. They forget their identity. They forget the grace they’ve received. In those moments, our role is not to lecture or correct, but to remind.

A Culture of Reconciliation

Imagine a church where reconciliation is not the exception but the norm. Where confession is not feared but welcomed. Where forgiveness is not withheld but freely given. Where difficult people are not avoided but pursued in love. Where the gospel is not just preached but practiced.

Creating such a culture requires intentionality. It requires leaders who model vulnerability, humility, and courage. It requires systems that support healthy conflict resolution and reconciliation. It requires teaching that grounds people in the gospel. And it requires a community that is committed to walking the long road of love together.

Final Encouragement: Don’t Give Up

If you are weary from loving someone who is hard to love, take heart. Your labor is not in vain. God sees your tears, hears your prayers, and honors your faithfulness. He is working, even when you cannot see it. He is softening hearts, exposing sin, and drawing people to Himself.

So, press on. Keep loving. Keep forgiving. Keep reminding. And trust that in due season, you will reap a harvest of righteousness and peace.

Benediction

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, equip you with everything good for doing His will. May He work in you what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20–21).

And may you, by His grace, be a faithful minister of reconciliation—even, and especially, to those who are tough to love.