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ICC Certification Case Reporting

Make every effort to submit your case reports within 30 days of services ending. Case reports are carefully reviewed by a Candidate Review Team prior to graduation so a detailed report is the best way to communicate the dynamics of the peacemaking skills used. Copies are automatically sent to you and your Advisor.

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Privacy Policy:  Do not use the actual names of the parties.  But be consistent in the names that you do use for this report and your uploaded report summary. Any private case documents and files must be kept secure or destroyed after follow-up is complete.  Please consult with your advisor or the ICC office if you have any questions.

Case Management Questions

Case management is everything that precedes actual conciliation and is often a significant preparation for both conciliator and the parties.

Referred by our child and youth director. The husband reached out to her seeking marriage support group recommendations and she contacted me.

I contacted the husband stating the referral. I stated I did Christian Conciliation, not marriage support groups, but asked if he would like to get together and discuss what was going on.

Both seemed open to the process. The wife stated that she believed divorce was still inevitable, but would like to reconcile differences they've had over the years; the husband seemed more open as a way of saving the marriage.

Both claimed RLC (my church) as "their church", but they do not attend regularly. They are both spiritually immature. The nature of the conflict seemed to revolve around how early in the marriage, the wife wanted to be more of a housekeeper; however, now that the children are getting older, she wants to work outside the home and says he is very controlling about her movements and personal interactions. I did not assess the controlling aspect as "abuse", but told my advisor I would keep looking to see if emotional abuse was happening.

No.

I used the AoR coaching agreement form. With the advice of my advisor, I spelled out the "you can call me to testify in court" verbiage from the rules rather than just referring to the rules with a link.

Coaching was the only service provided. All sessions were done in my church office, or a couple of phone calls.

I let him know about the referral and then later on the "pause" I initiated. (More info on the pause below).

I used the coaching agreement as an outline and detailed how I was not replacing the work they might do with separation/divorce lawyers. I ensured the husband (avoiding inflated expectations) that reconciliation focuses on confession/forgiveness/mediate differences but may not stop the divorce process. I also told the wife that my prayer for them (avoid misunderstanding) was that their marriage would be renewed by this process.

Primarily my advisor for this case. Psalm 19:14 has been a longstanding "go to" whenever I preach or coach to help my words stay centered on Jesus.

Pre-mediation Coaching Questions

Conflict Coaching cases do not apply toward Supervised case requirements. However, Pre-Mediation coaching is essential and counts toward your total mediation case hours.

Wife: it was broken from the beginning. They would fight and break up while dating and eventually got married and she just gave up fighting. She was never allowed to be her own person. She stated that he loves the "idea" of a wife but has said that he hates her.
Husband: Agrees that they had fights and eventually became co-dependent on each other. Everything is a "crisis" with her and when he tries to resolve the problem, she will argue and his solutions are "never good enough".
Both: the issue of separation and renting a condo was an issue that kept coming up. She had a condo set to move into on June 1st but he said that was a waste of money and he could just move in with him mom temporarily. (more detail below).

I asked each of them what love looks like; how they receive love. We then explored 1st Corinthians and talked about how God sees love. Using 1st John "God is love", we replaced "love" with God in Corinthians. I then asked them where God was in their relationship. He stated that God left them long ago and that their church going was reduced to holidays and trying to ensure the kids went through confirmation. I assured them that while they may have pushed God to the side, God never left them.

Husband: one idol is his family. He says he will do anything to keep the family together. (more in question 5). I believe there may be some "pride and arrogance" as well as he seems unable/unwilling to understand his wife's perspective and needs to have her talk to him in ways that he understands; however, both are not clear in their communication with each other.
Wife: I believe she is mixed with "fear of man" (but not in the sense of being afraid of the husband) and "good things want too much". There is a desire to build her social network and get a job outside of the house. While there is financial security without her having to work, there is a sense that she has wasted the past 30-years by not getting work experience that she can fall back on.

I started with Jesus at the wedding in Cana, which is one I lean on as I start working with a married couple. The "point" being Mary's words to the servants: "Do whatever He tells you." I then relate that to the conciliation process and tell that Jesus will be the focus and we will strive to listen to whatever He tells us.
As mentioned above, I used 1st Corinthians 13. I also used Hebrews 13:5-6 as an assurance in one of the husband's coaching that Jesus would never leave him.
Both parties received the Word well. It did not seem "fake" given their spiritual immaturity.

I was able to proclaim forgiveness to the husband as we explored the idea of his family as an idol.

As a first round of homework, I tried to get them back in the Word. I asked them to read 1st John (good summary of the gospel) and James (good summary of what they may be experiencing). I gave them some questions to answer about each to help facilitate the next coaching session. Both completed the homework and admitted it was difficult to start. I told them there would be many distractions whenever they try and get into the Word and they should push forward and read, preferably out loud so that they could also "hear" the Word.
I also gave the husband the bookmark assignment on "Loving Others". There were some difficulties on completing it electronically through the AoR portal, which I'll look into.

Both parties were focused on the actual separation. She was concerned that he would have her cancel the condo contract and then never leave. He was concerned that the condo would be a waste of money. I was concerned that he may be trying to get the contract cancelled, move in with his mom, but then always be at the house since he does a lot of work-from-home business. This led to me putting a "pause" on the reconciliation. (See next question).

I told each party (with concurrence of my advisor after the fact) that I was going to pause this process until two things happened: 1) they agreed on what separation looked like and could lay it out in such a fashion that there would not be continuous trips to the house that gave the appearance of no separation agreement; 2) they both returned to worship services, whether it was at RLC or some other church, they needed to bring regular worship into their routine again. As part of that, I gave them each a copy of the AoR devotional and told them to needed to do it everyday for 6-weeks. At the end of 6-weeks, we would reassess if/how to restart the process.

Mediation Case Questions

Continue completing this case form for all mediation cases, independent or supervised. You need to be the lead conciliator on two (2) cases submitted and you need to complete the intake for two (2) cases submitted.

Personal Reflection

This section is one of the most important and helps your advisor and the Review Team understand your perspective and growth as a conciliator.

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