How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Deeply: A Gospel‑Shaped Path Forward

Dwight Schettler
Jan 19
4 min read

If someone has wounded you deeply—and the thought of forgiving them feels impossible—you are not alone. Some hurts come from people who should have protected us. Some catch us so off‑guard they alter more than a moment—they alter who we became in that moment. And some injuries run so deep that “moving on” feels like a foreign language.

But Scripture does not leave you alone with your pain. Christ does not ask you to pretend it didn’t hurt. And the gospel never minimizes wounds—it transforms what you can do with them.

By the time you finish reading, you’ll see a biblical, practical way to forgive someone who has hurt you—a way that frees your heart, honors God, and loosens the grip the past has held over your peace.

When Pain Becomes a Prison

When you’ve been betrayed, dismissed, or deeply wronged, your mind often replays the offense on a loop. You don’t choose to replay it—it simply won’t stop. Every replay tightens the bars of an invisible prison. I’ve been there.

But the gospel pierced that darkness for me through one simple, thunderous verse:

“For Christ’s love compels us.” — 2 Corinthians 5:14

Paul doesn’t say Christ’s love motivates us.

He says it compels us.

It becomes the new reflex for your heart—even when everything in you wants revenge, distance, self‑protection, or silence.

When Hurt Leads the Way, These Responses Feel Natural

We retreat.

We defend.

We rehearse the offense.

We build an airtight internal case about why we’re right and they’re wrong.

We imagine perfect confrontation scenes where we finally win.

We vow to never let anyone get close again.

These instincts feel fair. They feel justified. They feel safe.

But they cannot set you free.

Only Christ can do that.

A New Way: When Christ’s Love Compels You

Because Jesus died for you—and for the person who hurt you—your responses are no longer chained to self‑protection or retribution. You are free to choose something higher.

Here are three simple, doable practices drawn from Scripture:

1. Pause Before Responding

Take one slow breath. Whisper: “Jesus, lead me.”

This pause interrupts the old scripts and creates room for the Holy Spirit to guide you.

2. Remember the Cross—for Them, Not Just You

Picture Christ’s love poured out for both of you—equally unearned, equally needed.

Few things soften a hardened heart like remembering that mercy is our shared condition.

3. Respond with Humility

You do not need to be the judge.

You do not need to be the hero.

You simply reflect the One who forgave you.

A Gospel Lens Changes Everything

Paul continues:

“So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.” — 2 Corinthians 5:16

A worldly view says:

“They’ll never change.”
“Define them by their worst moment.”
“Cut them off.”
“Protect yourself at all costs.”

A gospel lens asks: “Who is this person in the eyes of Jesus?”

The answer may challenge you:

They are someone Christ died for. (See: Viewing Others as Someone For Whom Christ has Died)
Someone God pursues. (See: Viewing a Brother or Sister in Christ Amidst Conflict)
Someone who can be made new. (See: I May Be My Brother's Keeper, Especially in Conflict)

This perspective doesn’t excuse what happened. It doesn’t rebuild trust overnight. It doesn’t guarantee reconciliation.

But it opens the soil where forgiveness can grow.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Many Christians struggle to forgive because they misunderstand it.

Forgiveness is not trust.
Trust takes time and evidence. Forgiveness can be immediate.
Forgiveness is not saying “It’s fine.”
It acknowledges the wound and releases the right to retaliate.
Forgiveness is not pretending the relationship is restored.
Forgiveness opens the door; reconciliation, if possible, walks through it. (See: What is the Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation)

Forgiveness: The Turning Point of Freedom

Forgiving someone who hurt you deeply is a choice powered by the Spirit, not by emotion. Emotion often lags behind our decision.

You can pray this even while you still feel hurt:

“Lord, I release them from the debt I’m tempted to hold. Help my heart follow my words.”

You are not freeing the other person from accountability.

You are freeing yourself from carrying what Christ already paid for.

The Path of Wise Reconciliation

Reconciliation is beautiful, but never automatic. When it is possible and safe, Scripture gives us a framework:

1. Begin With Confession—Your Own

Jesus tells us to remove the log from our own eye first. Confession softens your posture and clears your vision—even when the other person is primarily at fault. (See: Scripture Tells Us What Causes Conflict)

2. Proclaim Forgiveness When Repentance Appears

A simple, humble “I forgive you” can become a sacred moment of grace.

3. Set Wise, God‑Honoring Boundaries

Forgiveness is unconditional.

Access is not.

Boundaries protect everyone—including the possibility of future reconciliation.

4. Rebuild Trust Slowly

Promises don’t rebuild trust—patterns do.

True change is visible over time.

And even when reconciliation is not possible—because of danger, unrepentance, or ongoing harm—the posture of reconciliation keeps your heart aligned with Christ rather than bitterness.

The Foundation For Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You Deeply: Reconciliation With God

You cannot be fully reconciled with others until you are reconciled to God.

Every horizontal conflict traces its roots back to our vertical relationship with Him. When God heals your heart, He expands your capacity to forgive, to hope, and to love.

Imagine waking up one day realizing the wound no longer defines your peace.

That’s the miracle of forgiveness—not forgetting what happened, but remembering who Christ is.

Christ walks this path with you.

He has gone before you.

He stands beside you.

And He will not let your story end in bitterness.

There is a gospel‑shaped way forward. (See: Embrace Your Role As an Ambassador of Reconciliation)

Let’s walk it together.